To keep a marriage strong through the years, it requires constant attention. If you begin to let the responsibilities of life overwhelm you, you will forget why it was that you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.
This is when a spouse may begin to seek that spark from someone else, someone who sees what you used to see in them. Over time, a relationship can become stale as each trial and mundane responsibility begins to squeeze the passion from it.
Each person has a need for passion, a need for validation, acceptance and love. Although the level of need may be different, the need is always present. When those needs are intense and not being met in a persons current situation it can lead people to violate their personal values in order to meet that need.
This again goes back to level of need. Those who do not experience an intense need will have challenges understanding why someone else does. We all have areas of life that we experience intense need, however they are not the same for each person. That is why it is often easier to judge the behavior of others.
Because it would not be a problem for us, we judge others who struggle. When in reality there are areas we all struggle in, some are just more visible than others such as addictions, overeating or finance control. Many others are more hidden.
Do you know what your spouse considers an intense need? Do you know what you consider an intense need? Knowing these answers can help you to develop a stronger marriage. Most often when you give your spouse what they need, you are more likely to get what you need.
Deny your spouse an intense need for long enough, and their will be a breakdown in the relationship. This is why you need to do some self-discovery and pay attention to what your partner considers important.
Consider an affair. Why do they happen? Most often, a basic intense need is not being met by the spouse, for a prolonged time, and this leads the other spouse to seek a way to fulfill it. This is where we can see otherwise upstanding people, violate their personal values in order to meet an unfulfilled need.
I make no excuse for bad behavior, because there is always a point where an intervention could have taken place. It is one thing for a need to go unmet, but another to act on it outside the marriage. At the first sign of disharmony there needs to be a recommitment to understand each other and how, as a couple, you can better meet the needs of your spouse.
When this does not happen, we see very dire consequences. Of course, not all situations happen because of this, but a majority do. There is a percentage of people who, because of something that happened to them, are unable to function appropriately in a marriage relationship. That is an entirely different situation. What I am touching on is what I see happening to so many, once passionate, relationships.
Life enters and the fire goes out. Marriage is much like a fire, it takes constant tending or the flames can go out. You have to monitor the fire and if the coals start to burn down, you must throw another log on the fire. Without this attention, the fire will burn out. All fires need fuel to burn. Stop adding fuel to your marriage, and the same will happen to it.
The typical situation happens when a young couple start to develop a life together. They go from a fun dating couple with tons of passion and heat, to homeowners with bills, jobs and responsibilities. This adds a whole new dimension to the carefree time they had before.
Then to top it off, many start to have children. Children are a blessing, but they are also the biggest fire extinguishers you can create. Nothing saps romance more than a crying baby, fussy toddler or a disrespectful teenager.
Times like that call for an even stronger marriage to support the stress being put on each individual. Unfortunately what often happens is that this stress breaks the marriage. Couples stop trying to please each other and start complaining about their own needs not being met.
This huge disruption can cause a major division in the marriage. “Poor Me Syndrome” leads to feelings of not being loved, valued, accepted, or wanted. When each person turns inward the couple will grow apart.
To stop this from happening couples must be aware of the common stresses that will happen during marriage. Things like bills, money problems, family issues, children and mundane duties. You need to realize your breaking points and regroup before too much damage is done.
The solution is to reconnect with your partner and begin to find out what they really need. Then give it to them. You can’t make them give you what you need, you can only control you own actions. But when these things are given lovingly and enthusiastically, most often the receiving spouse will feel compelled to meet the others needs out of sheer gratitude.
Once again, please note I am talking about otherwise healthy loving relationships that have just lost their spark, not abusive or highly dysfunctional ones. That requires much more in depth counsel than I am touching on.
The reason that I called this article “How to Have an Affair with Your Husband,” is because that is one great solution to keep passion alive. Keep in mind this works for husbands as well as wives, but in this example I am using men. Look at your relationship through the eyes of a “mistress.”
What would they do if they were trying to impress your husband? How would they get his attention and what would they do to keep it? When you figure that out, begin to do it. Your husband will be so amazed and thrilled that the results could be earth shattering. In Part II I will share: “The 35 Tips for Creating the Perfect “Affair” with Your Spouse.”